Im tired of feeling like this, feeling empty, alone, insignificant, these feelings go off and on everyday. I try to keep myself distracted but when the lights go off everything comes out and I cant forget any more because its just me and my thoughts. there is this constant internal battle going on inside of me and I don’t know if its just me entangling my mind or the devil or both, but I’m tired of being this way, constantly fighting myself. all I want is to have my full faith back in God, but I keep myself from having that relationship. All I really want is for someone to walk in the room and say “I see Jesus in her” but my own self struggle is holding me back. it’s just so hard to feel a certain way about yourself when you know your not worthy. I have been doubting myself and it has turned into doubting God, because I feel like he hasn’t “fixed” me. and somedays I fully feel God and love him so much and other days I just doubt him and pretend like his not there. Then I begin to feel guilty for denying him, but all I really want to do is be with Jesus and not in this world, it would be so much easier if I could be with him but we were meant to live in this world but not be of it. and I guess thats the battle of living for jesus is to keep your faith throughout this crazy world. John says, “I have given them you word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.” John 17:14-15 and I’m positive every christian struggles with living in this world and not becoming it, but it’s so difficult to not cross that line, especially when you start to believe, how the world perceives you.
